• Last modified 2791 days ago (Nov. 24, 2011)


Things we don't need

Staff writer

Finally, my prayers have been answered — Kentucky Fried Chicken has topped their “famous bowl” with bacon.

The famous bowl was already an unneeded mixture of mashed potatoes, crispy fried chicken, corn, and cheese. Obviously bacon was the missing ingredient.

A healthier snack cannot be found. Bacon and fried chicken together is a combination like Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown — they’re not good for one another but KFC can’t help itself. See the Double Down for further evidence.

This is only the beginning of the disturbing onslaught of gifts, gadgets, and a plethora of other items being shoved down our throats during the holiday season, things we desperately don’t need and, I would argue, do not even want.

As a viewer of television, I have been recently bombarded by ads for jewelry and tools. It’s smart marketing, how often does the average consumer want to buy either one of those?

However, it’s gotten out of control; it’s not even Thanksgiving yet.

Take for instance, chocolate diamonds. Here’s a sentence I’m pretty sure I’ll never overhear:

“Savannah, where did you get those wonderful mud-colored jewels? They are enchanting.”

If I wanted diamonds, I would want them to look like diamonds.

And for gifts for that special outdoor enthusiast, how about the jaw saw?

Tree trimmers, has a pesky branch been out of reach because the chain saw isn’t 10-feet long. Now there is the jaw saw which can reach into horticultural heights.

Isn’t this a dangerous idea? Aren’t we worried about hazardous falling foliage?

I’m pretty sure the average household handyman also doesn’t need an automatic hammer, boring machine (to bore into the ground, although it might be the other boring, too), or an air-powered caulk dispenser.

If sloth is a favorite vice, adult, one-piece footie pajamas are on sale now. Seriously, they’re being advertised on infomercials. Unfortunately, they don’t feature cartoon characters on the front. People, come on. I know we all own socks.

The attack on our intelligence and wallets doesn’t end at the mall, it has moved to our multiplexes.

Adam Sandler wants our money; he wants parents to keep their brood of children quiet for a couple hours and enjoy a slight chuckle in the sea of sadness that is “Jack and Jill” over the Thanksgiving Holiday.

Don’t do it. We need to stop giving this man money. I’ve loved Sandler since “Happy Gilmore” but an hour and half of lame fat jokes, twin puns, and punching a grown “woman” in the face is too much.

Call me a scrooge, but I’m pulling out the humbugs already. I want everyone to remember that indeed most kisses do not begin with Kay, Craftsman does not make anything possible, and despite what KFC proclaims everything is not better with bacon.

Last modified Nov. 24, 2011