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Winding, wandering wonderings

Did you ever wonder why . . . ? For decades, Andy Rooney made a mint coining that line for his sometimes thoughtful, sometimes mindless weekly diversions on “60 Minutes.”

Did you ever wonder why, when you buy new box of cereal, the bag inside always seems one-quarter empty?

Did you ever wonder why traffic lights turn yellow to warn you to stop but never turn yellow to warn you to go?

Did you ever wonder why a telephone always seems to ring right when a cop show you’ve been watching is seconds away from telling you whodunit?

We’ll never reach the record-setting heights of curmudgeonliness Andy enjoyed before his death a decade ago, but we’d like to steal his act this week and speak softly while carrying a big shtick.

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . whenever Marion finishes a major renovation of its Main St. crews promptly dig it up? Don’t we pay engineers to anticipate problems that might cause us to demolish what we just constructed?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . as soon as a highway is relocated outside of town to make it safer and more convenient that businesses relocate, and the congestion returns, often with fatal results. US-56 in and near Hillsboro seems to have become an all-too-tragic poster child for this problem.

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . state crews haven’t installed on every highway those rumble-strip centerlines that seem, along with passing lanes, to have made US-50 between Newton and Emporia a lot less likely to have head-on collisions like the one Friday on US-56 near Hillsboro?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . if it’s so unsafe for announcers to show up in person at sporting events, no one seems to care whether cameramen catch COVID. Announcers — particularly those who use catch phrases like “diaper dandy” — we could easily do without should they catch COVID.

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . the lights on the Luta Creek culvert that people still call a bridge seem to change colors more often than burned out lights in the same area are replaced?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . it took county law enforcement officers (except Marion police) years to discover that they could encrypt their radio transmissions so drug dealers, busybodies, and especially newspaper people couldn’t keep tabs on them?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . newspapers put the most important facts up front, in headlines and first paragraphs, while TV newscasts are an endless litany of admonitions to stay tuned for the answer to some burning question?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . drivers who are the most likely to complain when someone doesn’t stop so they can back up or turn are the least likely to stop for others to back up or turn?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . you can use absolutely no water in a month but still have to pay a water bill almost as big as when you used gallon after gallon?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . so few of what everyone calls letters to the editor are actually intended to be read by the editor rather by than the general public?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . birds seem to be in dire need of Kaopectate almost the instant after you wash a dump truck load of pulverized Marion County road rock off your hood, windshield, and trunk?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . one of our state’s U.S. senators seems to come up with a different reason for opposing every cabinet nominee when the truth of the matter is he’s never found a Democrat he could vote for? Just say so, “Doc” Marshall, as he calls himself. We’ll either love you or hate you, but at least we won’t have to play a game of political charades every time an appointment comes up.

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . the main daily duty of our Democratic governor is to make political appointments, virtually none of which the good “Doc” would like but virtually all of which seem just as political as all the senator’s votes against confirmation have been?

Did you ever wonder why . . .

. . . editorial writers sometimes seem to drone on and on with some gimmick that allows them to talk about multiple minor things instead of settling on a single topic?

Stay tuned.

— ERIC MEYER

Last modified March 3, 2021

 

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