Don't miss these special sales events
The last trick-or-treater hasn't even cleared the front porch and I'm already hearing Christmas carols on TV. Back in the "good ol' days" we rarely heard anything about Christmas until Thanksgiving dinner was over and the leftovers put away.
Now we seem to jump from back-to-school sales to Christmas sales. And then there are department stores that keep advertising the "sale of the season." What season are they referring to, for Pete's sake?
Since they have weekly sales events of the season, I can only assume they have a well-staffed department — probably Seasonal Sales Event Engineers (SSEE) — who sit around figuring out which season they are promoting.
Of course, there are traditional holiday seasonal sales — like Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, and Thanksgiving. There are the lesser holiday seasons — such as St. Patrick's Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Groundhog Day, and my personal favorite — Valentine's Day.
That takes care of about one-sixth of those weekly seasonal sales events and if some of those actually last more than a week — like Christmas — that leaves about 35-40 weeks on the calendar for the SSEE to fill.
I'm sure these special engineers let less-experienced employees come up with the easy events — like back-to-school and white sales. Someone with a little more experience probably names the "spring ahead" or "fall back" events.
For the really tough ones, a staff of gray-headed wizened former shoppers probably sits around a dark and dusty room filled floor to ceiling with old copies of Sears & Roebuck and Montgomery Ward catalogs, trying to name the remaining events for the year.
In case this group is suffering from burn-out, I offer the following suggestions for seasonal sales events:
"Grass is Greener" sales event — This one occurs in the spring, preferably when the first blade of green grass pokes its head through the mud of winter. This sale is so special, people all across the country will be peering at the mud in their yards, watching for the first hint of green. Everything green is on sale.
The fall variation on this is the "Last Leaf" sales event which encourages sales fanatics to watch for that final hardy leaf to fall from the last tree in a specific region. Everything brown is on sale.
The "End of Series" sales event takes place during the final week of the current reality show of choice — "Survivor," "Amazing Race," etc., and offers sales on wrinkled maps of Timbuktu, and clothes that have been worn for three months straight.
There are hundreds of variations on this theme — one for each reality show on TV: There could be a "Bumbling Bachelor" sales event (especially good for flower shops and stores that sell roses).
"American Idol How Many Times Can You Be Insulted" sales event is for hard-core shoppers only because cashiers at participating stores are given bonuses for making customers cry by insulting them.
"Trading Spaces" and "While You Were Out" sales events give special incentives to families who come to shop wearing matching shirts and further discounts for those who manage to unearth the $500 grass lamp shades or $50 Ming vases.
"The Fear Factor 500 Percent Sale" could offer specials on leaping African spiders, giant squid, and slightly used parachutes without ripcords.
There also could be special sales events for every color, temperature change, new car unveiling, ribbon-cutting, sidewalk opening
Soon, it might be impossible to go to a department store for an ordinary "un-event" and the idea of shopping without a special sales event will be as foreign as Sears & Roebuck catalogs.
— DONNA BERNHARDT
