Meanderings: Red ink paradise
A good friend teaches second grade in another state. While the class was studying states, one student said Missouri's nickname was the "Shove-Me State." Having been a Kansan for a long time now, I thought the tyke should get extra credit for an accurate interpretation of the "Show-Me State."
She also passed along a list of analogies and metaphors that supposedly come from actual high school essays. The main users of the Internet are people seeking information. The second-largest users are, I believe, teachers who send silly lists to each other.
They are too funny to read while eating soup or drinking a cola. You'll spray it all over the person you're facing.
"She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs." (Even if they have all 100 legs, I don't think centipedes move sensually.)
"Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser." (Never owned a pool, so I don't know if this means her eyes were blue or green or reddish.)
"She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up." (Dogs I've owned always gave the impression that they threw up just to cause some excitement. Can a dog throw up from boredom?)
"He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something." (It is almost impossible to laugh at a sentence that includes the phrase "land mine." This is the exception.)
"It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before."(Maybe it had that centipede's 98 missing legs.)
"The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of 'Jeopardy!'" (This was probably submitted by Regis Philbin.)
"They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth." (How does one floss a fence?)
"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup." (Vivid, we must admit. Considering the body is 98 percent water, and assuming McBride is a vegetarian, it is also technically accurate.)
Now apologize for spraying coffee all over your dinner partner.
— MATT NEWHOUSE
